


put a little love on me

by halfwayinit



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, a continuation of the christmas break up, my contribution for iconicballummoments, there's no happy ending lol sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:02:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23808835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwayinit/pseuds/halfwayinit
Summary: or, the christmas break up.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 10
Kudos: 29





	put a little love on me

**Author's Note:**

> my contribution for #iconicballummoments on tumblr  
> the scene i was given was the christmas break up from the episode on december 20th
> 
> title and lyrics from 'put a little love on me' by niall horan  
> i hope you enjoy :)

**_We fight we get high holding on to love_ **

**_We came down 'cause there was nothing holding us_ **

“I am not going to ruin you and I am not going to watch you get ruined.” Every word physically pains Ben to say, but he knows if he doesn’t, then Callum will stay. He’ll stay and he’ll end up stuck in the middle of all the ugliness that Ben has been trying to shield him from. That’s what Ben’s world is, it’s brutal and ugly, and it will ruin someone like Callum, his heart too kind and nature too good. It’s no place for soft smiles and gentle touches, no place for love.

Ben knows that sooner rather than later, Callum will understand what he means when he says he isn’t good enough, and he’ll leave. He’ll see that Ben’s world is truly hideous, too much so for Callum’s pure soul to exist in. It would taint him, strip him of the good person he is and turn him into someone like Ben. And, Ben wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Especially not Callum, Callum with his bright smiles and kind eyes, Callum who brings him tea in bed in the morning and presses a toast-crumbed kiss to his lips. 

Or, even if he somehow doesn’t come to his senses and leave, it still wouldn’t work. If Ben pushes him away he’ll get hurt, if he stays he’ll get hurt in the long run. There are no winners, never are in Ben’s world. The thought of Callum getting caught up in what’s to come makes Ben feel physically sick. He would never  _ ever  _ forgive himself.

He has to protect Callum, protect his good, loving heart. Not ruin him like he ruins everything else. He’s his father’s son after all, and nothing good ever came from being loved by a Mitchell. If anyone knows that to be true it’s Ben, thoughts of Paul and grief and death flooding his mind and strengthening his resolve that this is the right thing to do. 

So, he rips the bandaid off himself, feels the tear against his skin as his heart bleeds out onto the pavement beneath his feet. It’s almost comical in a way, these harsh words falling from his lips as the rest of the Square celebrate the most wonderful time of the year. The twinkling lights mock him as they illuminate Callum’s face, reminding him of everything he’s about to walk away from. It aches deep in his bones, makes his hands shake in the pockets of his coat. Callum is beautiful, not just on the surface but on the inside too. 

He takes a second to memorise every inch of Callum’s face and locks the picture away in the deepest crevice of his heart. It’s bittersweet, knowing that his face will appear in his dreams, just far enough away that it will leave Ben longing for more. 

In another life, he’d walk up to Callum and rest his hand gently against his cheek, whisper out those three words and make promises that would lead to a sweet kiss, rings on their fingers and life-long, everlasting  _ happiness _ . But, this life isn’t so forgiving, and Ben can’t let himself lead Callum down a trail of promises waiting to be broken. This is the way it has to be. It’s better to break their hearts now rather than later. 

Callum tries to speak, tries to convince Ben that their two worlds can collide, they don’t have to be so different. But, Ben cuts him off, can’t stand there and watch Callum beg for his love anymore. Not when he knows he can’t give it back. Not now. Maybe not ever.

“I don’t love you.” Ben’s voice is loud, too loud, cutting through the serenity of the winter’s night air. He has to take a second to compose himself, wills the tears to stay gathered at his lashes and not fall down his cheeks. If he breaks now he’ll never be able to put the pieces back together again. Hold yourself together, he tells himself, you’re doing this for Callum. To protect him and his heart. Who cares if you have to break your own in the process? 

“I don’t love you and I don’t want your love.” The words shatter what’s left of Ben’s broken heart, Callum’s crestfallen expression sending a chill down his spine. He hates this. He hates  _ himself _ .

**_Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are_ **

**_Is it wrong that I still don't know my heart_ **

Callum feels his world collapsing around him. He doesn’t know what to do, wants to grab Ben and shake him until he sees that Callum is in this for the long haul. He doesn’t care about twisted revenge plans or whatever it is that Phil has got Ben wrapped up in. He would cross the line into any world once Ben would be at the other side to take his hand. Why can’t Ben see that?

Callum tries to tell him, wants to show Ben that he can handle anything at his side. Until Ben cuts through his heart like a blunt edged dagger, telling Callum he doesn’t love him. Ben doesn’t love Callum and he doesn’t want Callum’s love. 

The words almost knock Callum for six, disbelief, hurt and frustration building inside him.  “Yes you do, yes you do. I know that you do.” His voice is desperate, clinging onto the hope that his feelings aren’t one sided, that he hasn’t thrown himself into the deep end only to be left to drown. Would Ben let him drown? Not the Ben he knows, maybe the old Ben. Not Callum’s Ben. 

He thinks, hopes, for just a moment that Ben will take it all back. Prove Callum right and rush forward with pleas of forgiveness and apologies falling from his lips. He’ll realise he doesn’t want to do this, doesn’t want to end what has only truly just begun. Callum waits for Ben to throw him a life ring, to save him from drowning in this whirlpool. But it never comes.

Instead, what comes are more empty words, words falling from Ben’s lips that Callum knows he can’t mean. 

_ That’s how it happens in your world, but never in mine. Never in mine. You are a good guy Callum, but go and find someone else to love.  _

_ We’re done. _

We’re done.

The words hardly make sense, Callum feeling like his feet are stuck to the ground as he watches Ben walk away from him, from them. He wants to scream until his lungs burn, let the tears in his eyes make hot tracks down his cheeks, to run after Ben and make him see that this isn’t what he needs to do.

Callum’s been heartbroken before, he knows. Felt the cold hand of grief like a vice grip around his heart. The army. Chris. Not knowing who he is or how to be himself. Loss and regret amplifying the cacophony of  _ what if _ in his chest, in his heart. 

But, this feels worse. Like he’ll never be whole again. 

Because he doesn’t know how to be without Ben.

**_Are you all dressed up but with nowhere to go_ **

**_Are your tears falling down when the lights are low_ **

Ben can’t face anyone after what he’s just done, knows the first thing Lexi will ask him when gets home is where Callum is. Why didn’t Callum come to read her a story like he promised? 

He doesn’t want to dodge the prying eyes of Lola and Jay, can’t bring himself to admit what he’s done. So, he takes a detour on the way home, decides to take a walk down memory lane, figures there’s only so much more his heart can break. 

His fingers brush against the rugged edges of the park bench, a watery smile on his face as he thinks of that night. The excitement in the pit of his stomach when the text from Callum came through. The anticipation building as he waited for him to show up. Fingers tapping a rhythm against the wood as he sat in the dark of the night.

Callum standing there in front of him, wanting to prove that he wasn’t the person Ben knew he was. Ben still remembers the way his stomach had sank, accepting that Callum wasn’t ready to let the mask slip, maybe never would be.

_ Hit me. It’s what people like you do. Hit. Me. _

Callum starting to unravel, the way he had laid himself bare in front of Ben, emotions spilling out of him that had been building up for years. Watery eyes, shaking hands, a moment of clarity. 

_ I am so tired of feeling lonely. _

A gentle touch, a soft kiss. Fireworks erupting within them, the feeling of ‘this is exactly where I am supposed to be’ burning hot in their blood. Another kiss, not so soft this time. Tongues swiping out, lips sucking and biting everywhere they can reach, breathy moans breaking the silence surrounding them, goosebumps raised in the cool night air. Callum tugging at his buckle while Ben kissed a wet trail down his neck. 

Now, Ben drops himself down onto the bench and finally lets himself break. His shoulders shake violently as his head hits the table, every ounce of fight he had left in him evaporating. He can hardly catch his breath, sobs ripping from his throat faster than he can breathe. What has he done?

Thrown away the best thing that’s ever happened to him for a father who doesn’t bother to know him half the time. A father he’s not even sure loves him, certainly isn’t proud of him. And for what? The twisted idea of family duty that’s been ingrained in him since birth. Ben understands now. Being a Mitchell, it isn’t a badge of honour like he believed growing up. It’s a burden, drags you down further and further until you’re clawing at the dirt and screaming for a God you don’t believe in to heal your heart. That’s Ben. If anything, he’s done Callum a favour. Broke his heart to save it from being irrevocably ruined. He’ll think back one day and thank Ben for it. Or, that’s what Ben tells himself to lessen the ache in his chest.

When the tears on his face have long since dried and the night sky is turning black around him, Ben stands and stares down at the bench. He just looks for a few moments, silently wonders how an object can hold so much weight, so much meaning. Any other person could walk right by it and never understand the meaning it holds to Ben.

He raises his fingers to his mouth, presses a soft kiss to them and then touches lightly against the wood, before turning and walking away without looking back.

Wherever Callum is, Ben hopes he feels it. 

**_Another Friday night tryna put on a show_ **

**_Do you hate the weekend_ **

**_'Cause nobody's calling_ **

**_I've still got so much love hidden beneath this skin_ **

**_So darling_ **

**_Put a little love on me_ **

Ben tosses and turns that night, Callum’s words replaying over and over in his mind until it leaves him disorientated with a sick feeling in his stomach, the ceiling spinning and his mind too with all the words he didn’t say. All the words he couldn’t say.

He will never forgive himself for the look on Callum’s face, the way he held his heart out for Ben to take, only to watch it break in his hands. Ben knows that Callum deserves someone good, someone who can love him the way he deserves. Someone who isn’t Ben. That’s why he had to let him go, to push him away so brutally so he won’t come back.

The thought of Callum moving on with someone new makes tears sting in his eyes and fall down his cheeks, over and over until he’s sure he’s got none left. He grips the pillow beside him, pushes his face into it and lets out a silent scream. It’s his fault, everything always is. 

When Ben does finally sleep, he dreams of a simple life. One where there are no alcoholic fathers with vengeance running through their veins, no bloodshed or deceit.

There’s just happiness. Pure and ethereal love, love that shines so bright it lights up every street in London. He dreams of a hand slipping into his, soft lips mouthing  _ I love you  _ against his skin. He dreams of saying it back.

Maybe in another life.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!  
> come find me on tumblr @halfwayinit and let me know what you thought!


End file.
